On Porn

The first time, I saw porn. I was really freaked out by it. Of course, it was anime porn and I hadn’t intended on watching it. I was just talking to this girl I liked and she sent me this internet game and I played it and I finished it. And then, bang, animated tits and cocks are all over each other like football players in a locker room or wrestlers or syrup on pancakes. I immediately closed the window.

I do not know how to bring this up, so I stare at my keyboard, until I see the perfect thing to say, “ummmmmmmmmmm.”

My computer emits an irritating mechanical beep, “Yes?” she replies.

“Did you just see that?” I ask. I do not know what is going on.

Ping. “You mean the hentai?” she asks.

The people who watch porn are never the people that look like they watch porn. Every month, over thirteen million American Women and basically every American man watches porn. In terms of search volume (the number of times a term is Googled), porn is searched 21.3333 times for everyone search for “Obama” the president of the fucking United States. It doesn’t take a math major to understand that porn has a statistically significant viewership in America. Yet, we don’t discuss it like we discuss other statistically significant programming like The Oscars or Girls or Blues Clues. This is a discussion that we need to have.

The first time, I watch porn. It’s out of an academic curiosity fostered by McSweeney’s recent column “Conflicted Existence of a Female Porn Writer” by Lynsey G. It is during my early experiments with feminism, which entered my life shortly after I gave the finger to Jesus. These events comingled to form a hella judgmental attitude towards porn: it was exploitive and subjugating and immoral. (Yeah, it was a very second wave view of feminism, in retrospect, but everyone’s got to start somewhere).

In the first column, Lynsey writes, “Women in porn were making a shrewd decision about their options in life—which were limited for many of them—and often they were getting rich and famous. What kind of judgmental princess was I to think they weren’t feminists in their own right?” 

There are many benefits to watching porn. A recent study found that the amount of porn men watch is positively correlated towards attitudes regarding gay marriage. The researchers think that this occurs for one of two reasons: first, porn makes people more excepting of alternative sexual experiences or second, they just aren’t as freaked out by other penises.

Porn was also vital in the development of the home video player. The movie industry hated the concept of videos, as they felt like this would cut into their in theater revenue. On the other hand, the porn industry had nothing to lose in the theater business, so they invested in the home video player. So all those childhood memories of Bambi’s mom and Hercules? Thank porn for them.

That night, I sit at my computer. I try to remember the names of the websites my friends mention jokingly. The splash page immediately assaults me with a plethora of appendages and positions I’ve only ever read about in Stephen Elliot novels or short stories from McSweeney’s. I click on the one that looks simplest. It’s called “Jewel Masturbation.” The video begins and she is sitting on a couch. The cameraman talks to her they make small talk about her “life.” Then dirty, sexy, things start happening.

I think she is the most beautiful girl in the world. I start Googling her. According to her website she is an “all American girl going to college.” According to her Twitter she is from Canada. She has never been older than 19. It’s as if for those lucky people they are never allowed to age.

Aging is a major problem for female porn stars. Joanna Angel, a porn star, said in an interview, “men can keep doing this forever, but women can’t. I want to get into directing.” Porn films made by women for women are becoming increasingly prominent. Last year, Mexico had the first by women for women porn festival. This shift has had a very real impact on the industry. According to Oprah last year one in three online porn viewers were women.

The thing is, porn is far more instrumental than we give it credit for. It’s not just something that people jack off to. It’s an industry that helps move American culture forward and redefine the dominant paradigm.